FOBA - Fear of Being Alone

Loneliness is an innate fear of human nature.

For most of human history, being cast out from your tribe meant almost certain death. A lone hunter could not fight off packs of beasts or stay guard through every night. Before long, they would perish to natural forces or be consumed by the food chain.

Community was not a desire, it was a necessity.

This is where I believe our desire to conform comes from. Standing out puts a target on your back - you'd be the first to be cast out.

Your clan meant safety, safety meant staying alive.

As societies changed and people learned to survive outside a close-knit clan, being alone was no longer a death sentence.

Western media began romanticizing solitude.

"Go to a restaurant by yourself."

"Learning to not be scared of doing things alone."

"Experiencing life by myself."

I find myself to be someone who enjoys solitude. I take pride in my solidarity. I take pride in experiencing life by myself. I take pride in my comfort in my own private presence.

Yet I find it ironic that at the end of day, I share myself publicly. I'll write this piece, I'll even post it on social media.

Yet I'm still driven by that same fear of being outcasted. And I'll stil experience FOMO the way you do. My most memorable moments still come from people on my trips alone.

Don't you find it so odd that we've started romanticizing solitude?

Why do we believe that the ultimate path to self-discovery is through solitude?

The monks believe meditation lead to self-discovery. But even Vipassana, a meditation practice that involve days or weeks of silence, takes place in a shared setting. Maybe solitude can help us understand ourselves, but it does not mean we have to live without people.

Our history screams at us to stay within the pack, so why do we now turn away from the same instinct that saved our lives?

You can make a case that times have changed. We obviously don't live in the jungles anymore, surrounded by tigers. We can get food delivered, call someone from across the world, and live by ourselves without being cut off from society.

But I disagree. Sure, the consequences of being physically alone have never been lower. You could even find comfort in it!

But we are social. We exist as a community, as a society. Solitude can be a choice but loneliness is the pain of lacking connection.

They are not the same.

You can reject normalization, but you must be a subject to it.

We do not live as individuals in a vacuum. We exist as a cumulation of our experiences, and by extension, the people we've met, interacted with, acquitanted with, became friends with, been hurt by.

That's the beautiful part of being human.

I changed my mind. I no longer believe that comfort in solitude should be a goal.

We need people in our lives as much as we need ourselves. Losing community can mean losing our identity.

Even people who choose to travel alone, eat alone, or spend time in silence still live amongst the people. Solitude happens within a society.

And when being alone stops feeling like a choice - through fear or through circumstance - that is not a failure of character. Solitude does not cure loneliness.

At the end of the journey, I'll tell you that being comfortable with loneliness never brought me happiness. It doesn't bring me clarity in my being. It will not be the reason for my existence.

Then I'd urge you to find your community. Whether a single person, or a 100-man team. I'd urge you to talk to more people. Start a conversation and make the plans.

Life is not always better experienced with other people, but they make life worth living.